Celebration of my Mom

Echos from God - The whispers He keeps reminding me from my time with Him

Themes & Lessons from God found in the Study of the Book of Matthew 2013-2014

I’ve believed the lie that perfectionism is required of me, and the guilt that comes from not being able to attain it. I’ve been fraught with worry. I’ve been bound-by unhealthy thinking patterns that are so toxic. Lately I’ve been lost. So consumed by my grief and fear, I haven’t been able to see.

The women came to the tomb on Easter morning, worrying-like me. So consumed by grief and sadness, they forgot His Promise. I can relate. One month ago I lost my Mom to a long, excrutiating battle with depression. I’ve been in a fog with pain so deep, I could not see. And I have forgotten His Promise. To make all things new. To turn ashes into beauty.

So they worried, these faithful women, as they headed to the tomb to face the ugly truth. They worried, how would they move the stone aside to get their Lord. But Jesus had already taken care of the stone. In fact, He did immeasurably more than all they could ask or imagine (Eph 3:20). He removed not only the stone, but the giant boulder of death weighing down all of humanity.

And I finally understand what the Resurrection means to me—I used to think it was something that just happened once, in the pages of History. But, his burial means my old ways of thinking, my unhealthy patterns, my unbelief, are dead and gone in God’s sight- Hallelujah! Because at its root, anxiety is a lack of trust in God. But I can really put it to death, because of His death. I can be transformed by the renewing of my mind through Christ Jesus (Romans 12:2) And I can live the resurrected life! This is Power. There is Hope for me. And I really have the Power – through Christ- to do the new thing (Isaiah43:19, Ephesians 4:24, 2 Cor 4:1, Rev 21:5) –to put on my new nature, to actually believe the Truth of the Word, to claim it, to live it, to walk in it, to stand firm upon it.

What’s the purpose of the fog I’ve been in? It’s suffocating at times. Straining to see the path ahead or any clear direction. But the fog changes the way you see. When the fog starts to lift, you see what you might have missed were it not for the fog. You see the ugly-beautiful—the most hideous things offered to Christ that only He could make into something beautiful. I can’t fathom how He will use this tragedy that makes no sense, this broken heart of mine. But I refuse to waste it, so I keep on Asking, keep on Seeking, Keep on Knocking. Here I am Lord, I’m coming out in faith to walk on the water. And I know you won’t let me go.

 

 I really do have the Power IN me to stop believing the lies …no one will want to hear your story  

if I mess up, I’m a failure

nothing I do is ever good enough.  one mistake cancels out all the good I’ve done for my son.                                            my weaknesses/hang-ups will cause J to develop bad habits that he can’t escape.       I should just give up eating health because I can never keep it up.                                     I have to serve in every capacity

If I don’t maintain my image, people will think ---

If I don’t do everything I think is required of me as a “good Mom” I’m going to  look back with regret

what I’ve done is who I am

When you say it out loud, you can call it what it is. A lie. A label the world has given me (disappointment * unattractive * ordinary * prisoner of my past * damaged goods* These are some that careless people have tossed about, unaware that once a toxin bonds to a soul it is hard to remove.)

And for so long I’ve been tossed and swayed and blown down by emotions, this way and that, unanchored because I set my soul on pleasing people, not the Lord. I’ve been angry because the things that happened in my life are not fair—undeserved—I’ve even said. I’ve been surprised at the fiery trials, appauled at Satan’s direct and repeated attacks. I’ve been fighting relentlessly with God (in all the strength of a good, strong-willed post-modern woman). No, God, that’s not what I planned. Let me choose my good works and make them convenient—and most importantly, painless. But He’s chosen the sufferings that would make me most like Christ. Yes, the painful ones. So that I can truly share in His resurrection. But first, the suffering death must come- first. (2 Cor 4:10-11)

But I am reminded (again) that when I get lost, to go back the way I came (as Abraham (Genesis 21:33), Jacob (Genesis 35), & Elijah (I Kings 19:15) were reminded before me) to go back to the familiar place Christ was revealed to me, the place He faithfully showed up and spoke a word of truth straight to my heart.

Picking up the stones of remembrance, (Joshua 4:6) setting up an altar to Him, so my clumsy brain can remember and see HE IS FAITHFUL.

 

Let’s call it what it is. My anxiety is unbelief manifested. And it's taken a hard toll on my body. I just can’t bring myself to let go of the control and believe God. The need for control is a lack of trust in God. The strain towards attaining perfectionism, the shame of never achieving it, the need to control everything- It’s not just a burden. It’s crushing. There is no fresh air.

But it’s what I know. It’s what I’ve learned. It’s hard-wired and deep entrenched. It’s my operating system. So what now? I walk along the road (not unlike those headed for Emmaeus  (Luke 24). I walk through shadows of discouragement, and even seemingly hopeless moments. “It seemed no use to hope any longer” (Luke 24:21) Then God showed up. He was there all along. Lord, help me to keep my eyes open and recognize when you are right there, showing me Yourself.

As when Jesus fed the multitudes, I am a wandering sheep, in desperate need of nourishment and the protection only a Shepherd could give. Even one who leaves 99 to come and find me and bring me back, and then to carry me in His arms (Isaiah 40:11). I follow His example, and take what I have been given—my circumstances—and offer them to God. Then let Him do the miracle. His way. Let go of my plans, my need to control. Everything. The miracle may be inside of me, in my heart. And the path will most assuredly be through my suffering. It’s the only way. Death – it’s the new life, and the only way to new life. (John 12:24, stump-tender shoot, Sarah’s womb, the cross)

I am called to keep on.

To keep on asking—f or a new perspective, HIS perspective of my situation. For kingdom eyes, for understanding. For provision. His way. Then acceptace for whatever He gives.

To keep on seeking—looking expectanly for the Lord to come, to answer me. To seek His perspective through the lens of the Word.

To keep on knocking—persisting in prayer—like a little child, coming before Him repeatedly, often, dependent, trusting and knowing that I will receive better than what I asked for (Eph 3:20)

To eat His words, as my daily bread, so that they become a part of my very being through deliberate companionship, prayer, and His word. To realize that I’m not off-course because of all the suffering I’m going through. I’m right where He wants me to be, like the disciples, whom Jesus led into the great storm, He's leading me.

To break the cycle of generational sin and realize I cannot change the actions and mistakes of others, but I can let it stop with me. To be a Heritage Breaker. To refuse to let it pass to my children. As I heard a wise friend (Brenda) speak of mentoring her granddaughter through the Scriptures, my eyes filled with tears. I never had this. But I can BE this.

 And yes, even that can become a stronghold—I feel like the only one –

Who can provide a spiritual heritage to for my child.

Who can get my child to eat his veggies and take a nap

Who is responsible for him becoming responsible, grateful, generous, polite, helpful, attentive, obedient, self-controlled, and wise. I feel that “need to control” inching up and swallowing me whole again.

The responsibility is crushing.

And God says (through my friend Susan) that only He can change a heart. Only He can cause a heart to obey… out of love. My role is a gardener-a seed planter. Our goal in raising children is not simply behavioral modification and outward conformity, but rather, a true inward change of the heart which produces a change in actions.

So I will go back the way I came (I Kings 19:15). To look first not at myself and see a view not only distorted but grossly incomplete, but to first look at God and seeing my life from the perspective He gives.

I will love the Lord

With all my heart-making Him my treasure. To receive Him in every area of my life

With all my soul-to ask to be filled to the measure (tippy top, as I say to Jacob) and controlled by the life-giving, heart-tugging, path-directing advocate that is God’s Spirit dwelling within me.

With all my mind-with my thoughts held captive to Christ and trusting Him with my limited understanding (Isaiah 55:9).

And With all my strength-serving Him with my hands, feet, and lips.

               

I will walk worthy of the call with sincerity and humility-with my prime goal to please Christ, not people. (I Thes 2:4). Taking my place in battle against the devil with my armor or light in place (Romans 13:11-14) that comes from living right and ready for His return. And He has promised – I will restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten. (Joel 2:25-27). Praise Jesus! And I will claim the promise as my own!

I am claiming the promise (of which my dear friend Emily reminded me-Isaiah 61) that He will bind up my broken heart and announce my freedom. That He will provide comfort, carrying me in His arms (Is 40:11). Most of all I am claiming that He will turn the horrid-ugly scene imprinted on my tired brain, the ashes (her ashes) into a crown of beauty. And joy (OH, joy is coming! (Ps 30:5) instead of mourning-weeping, screaming sadness that is me. That He will clothe me in a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. I am claiming my identity as an oak of righteousness, planted for the LORD Yahweh-on display for His splendor. I will take the charge to rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated, to renew the ruin that has been devastated for generations (Is 61:1-4). I will stand still and watch the LORD rescue me. (Exodus 14:13)

He will bless me. In His way. In His time.

If I do not conform, He will transform (Romans 12:2)!

My identity: A child of the day (I Thes 5:5)

My charge: to take up my cross (it means to suffer for Jesus, to suffer for doing right)

It’s painful. But not wasted. Nothing in my today is wasted. Because I am a child of the King. Called to go into the darkness and carry the light. * He will give me enough light for the step I’m on. Then, I will Come to Jesus and rest. In His Word. In His promises. And I will find my true self hidden in Christ, resting in Him and His unfailing love. I will ask for grace. And give it out lavishly.

When I’m lost – go back to what I know – what God has said before.:

I’m in control.

Forgive & rejoice.

Trust me.

Receive Peace.

I am claiming my ‘quick’ healing for my wounds. Isaiah 58:8

I am claiming protection from behind from the glory of the Lord himself.

I am claiming the Lord’s quick answer. Isaiah 58:9

I wll shine my light out from darkness.

Claiming continuous guidance and direction. Water when I am parched. Restoration of my weary strength. Is 58:11

My name will be changed to Rebuilder of walls and desterted ruins, restorer of homes.

To call the Lord my delight and to remind Him of His promises

when really I need only to remind myself.

Bless the Lord, O my soul

Holy Spirit you are welcome here, Come flood this place & fill the atmosphere

Your glory Lord is what our hearts long for, to be overcome by your presence Lord.

I learned that I made the mistake of believing the labels the world has assigned to me—based on my mistakes, failures, and even my good habits. Even when it’s a seemingly good label, when it’s the world’s label, it’s an expectation. This is what you did, therefore, this is who you are. It’s a burden. I. must. Live. Up. To. It.. I must fulfill my label. It’s exhausting. It’s heavy. I believed the myth that my status is my identity. When the only label I need to hear is REDEEMED. HIS. I can let go of the guilt the enemy holds over me. He has covered me in Grace. I need it to sink down deep into my soul. Into my very being.

Only God has the right to put a label on me. I have failed but I am not a failure. I have disappointed those I love but I am not a disappointment. I continue to make mistakes, but I am not a mistake. God made me with a purpose for a purpose. He has a great plan for my life. What I did is not who I am. What  someone else did is not who I am (only a fellow co-dependent slave could understand this one) Because of the resurrection, I am made new.

 My new labels will be…

Accepted

Beautiful

New

Before I met Christ, I was as good as dead. A dead person who needed to come alive.

Lord I will take the exchange, my label for your grace.

Breathe in – Lord I receive what you give.

Breathe out – Lord, I give thanks for what you give.