Healing: My Journey Through the Fear of Anxiety and Living with anAutoimmune Disease

When I first began seeing my holistic doctor, I unknowingly developed several strongholds on what I could eat (which led to depression) and what my child could eat (which led to crippling fear and anxiety). I was trying to follow the letter of the law, according to him, being his intense dietary restrictions. I found myself unable to do so, which resulted in guilt and hopelessness ( if I can't follow them all, what's the point in trying). I was making him my authority.

Only through intervention from the Holy Spirit through prayer work, have I been able to break some of these strongholds that held such a grip on my life. (At one time I emailed a friend, genuinely stressed about suckers from bank tellers.) I have come to realize that no doctor can be my authority. The ALMIGHTY is. Thanks to Dr. X and my own research (and my good friend Libby!), I  now have extended knowledge about what is healthy for my body and what is inflammatory and potentially problem-causing. I can make decisions based on that and feel good about them (most of the time). I allow myself a healthy treat on occasion and I enjoy it. I am saying YES to my child as often as I can because for me, the NO was out of panic & fear (If I let him have a sucker he is going to be sick like me.--That thought is crushing, hopeless, unbearable.)
 Our God is a God of YES.

For all of God's promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding "Yes!" And through Christ, our "Amen" (which means "Yes") ascends to God for his glory. (2 Corinthians 1:20)

I am still very health-minded and trying to get my child to enjoy veggies and green smoothies (it will happen one day!) and I let him eat candy very sparingly, but I do let him have it. And it gives me pleasure to say yes to him. Most importantly, it has brought peace to my soul and I can truly rest in Him during the middle of my chaos and panic (which comes often!)

The most important tool I have learned through prayer work is when I am feeling depressed, panicked, or other strong emotion....to STOP before I take action....to immediately close my eyes and hold out my hands, palms to the heavens and say, LORD I am feeling out of control. Help me to realize what is really going on....for example, is it stemming from fear? Is it guilt? Is it my extreme need for CONTROL, controlling every detail, or Putting my self-worth in my performance? (If I don't eat right all the time, if I don't serve in every capacity, if I don't take part in this ministry, I am worthless). I say "LORD, I am out of control with ____(fear, guilt, etc) and it makes me completely dependent on you. Let your Spirit wash over me." (There are not magic prayer words, just a connection with HIM). The peace comes almost immediately. This is something I'm just learning to do, and it takes time to incorporate into a crazy busy household. But I am feeling more peaceful and letting go of some of the crippling anxiety that was controlling my life.
When I am living in fear and trying to control everything, my hands are clenched tightly. I  say, "no God, I will not accept this lot. I am going to do everything I can, everything in my power to change this." But "in my power" leads to failure. When I open my hands to Him, I say, "Yes, God. I will accept this, knowing you are good (Psalm136:1), your ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:8-9), and you will only allow this suffering for my good. (Romans 8:28)" When we open our hands to HIM, we can expect something beautiful to come.

God says, See I am doing a new thing! I am making a way through the wilderness. Isaiah 43:19

Celebration of my Mom

Echos from God - The whispers He keeps reminding me from my time with Him

Themes & Lessons from God found in the Study of the Book of Matthew 2013-2014

I’ve believed the lie that perfectionism is required of me, and the guilt that comes from not being able to attain it. I’ve been fraught with worry. I’ve been bound-by unhealthy thinking patterns that are so toxic. Lately I’ve been lost. So consumed by my grief and fear, I haven’t been able to see.

The women came to the tomb on Easter morning, worrying-like me. So consumed by grief and sadness, they forgot His Promise. I can relate. One month ago I lost my Mom to a long, excrutiating battle with depression. I’ve been in a fog with pain so deep, I could not see. And I have forgotten His Promise. To make all things new. To turn ashes into beauty.

So they worried, these faithful women, as they headed to the tomb to face the ugly truth. They worried, how would they move the stone aside to get their Lord. But Jesus had already taken care of the stone. In fact, He did immeasurably more than all they could ask or imagine (Eph 3:20). He removed not only the stone, but the giant boulder of death weighing down all of humanity.

And I finally understand what the Resurrection means to me—I used to think it was something that just happened once, in the pages of History. But, his burial means my old ways of thinking, my unhealthy patterns, my unbelief, are dead and gone in God’s sight- Hallelujah! Because at its root, anxiety is a lack of trust in God. But I can really put it to death, because of His death. I can be transformed by the renewing of my mind through Christ Jesus (Romans 12:2) And I can live the resurrected life! This is Power. There is Hope for me. And I really have the Power – through Christ- to do the new thing (Isaiah43:19, Ephesians 4:24, 2 Cor 4:1, Rev 21:5) –to put on my new nature, to actually believe the Truth of the Word, to claim it, to live it, to walk in it, to stand firm upon it.

What’s the purpose of the fog I’ve been in? It’s suffocating at times. Straining to see the path ahead or any clear direction. But the fog changes the way you see. When the fog starts to lift, you see what you might have missed were it not for the fog. You see the ugly-beautiful—the most hideous things offered to Christ that only He could make into something beautiful. I can’t fathom how He will use this tragedy that makes no sense, this broken heart of mine. But I refuse to waste it, so I keep on Asking, keep on Seeking, Keep on Knocking. Here I am Lord, I’m coming out in faith to walk on the water. And I know you won’t let me go.

 

 I really do have the Power IN me to stop believing the lies …no one will want to hear your story  

if I mess up, I’m a failure

nothing I do is ever good enough.  one mistake cancels out all the good I’ve done for my son.                                            my weaknesses/hang-ups will cause J to develop bad habits that he can’t escape.       I should just give up eating health because I can never keep it up.                                     I have to serve in every capacity

If I don’t maintain my image, people will think ---

If I don’t do everything I think is required of me as a “good Mom” I’m going to  look back with regret

what I’ve done is who I am

When you say it out loud, you can call it what it is. A lie. A label the world has given me (disappointment * unattractive * ordinary * prisoner of my past * damaged goods* These are some that careless people have tossed about, unaware that once a toxin bonds to a soul it is hard to remove.)

And for so long I’ve been tossed and swayed and blown down by emotions, this way and that, unanchored because I set my soul on pleasing people, not the Lord. I’ve been angry because the things that happened in my life are not fair—undeserved—I’ve even said. I’ve been surprised at the fiery trials, appauled at Satan’s direct and repeated attacks. I’ve been fighting relentlessly with God (in all the strength of a good, strong-willed post-modern woman). No, God, that’s not what I planned. Let me choose my good works and make them convenient—and most importantly, painless. But He’s chosen the sufferings that would make me most like Christ. Yes, the painful ones. So that I can truly share in His resurrection. But first, the suffering death must come- first. (2 Cor 4:10-11)

But I am reminded (again) that when I get lost, to go back the way I came (as Abraham (Genesis 21:33), Jacob (Genesis 35), & Elijah (I Kings 19:15) were reminded before me) to go back to the familiar place Christ was revealed to me, the place He faithfully showed up and spoke a word of truth straight to my heart.

Picking up the stones of remembrance, (Joshua 4:6) setting up an altar to Him, so my clumsy brain can remember and see HE IS FAITHFUL.

 

Let’s call it what it is. My anxiety is unbelief manifested. And it's taken a hard toll on my body. I just can’t bring myself to let go of the control and believe God. The need for control is a lack of trust in God. The strain towards attaining perfectionism, the shame of never achieving it, the need to control everything- It’s not just a burden. It’s crushing. There is no fresh air.

But it’s what I know. It’s what I’ve learned. It’s hard-wired and deep entrenched. It’s my operating system. So what now? I walk along the road (not unlike those headed for Emmaeus  (Luke 24). I walk through shadows of discouragement, and even seemingly hopeless moments. “It seemed no use to hope any longer” (Luke 24:21) Then God showed up. He was there all along. Lord, help me to keep my eyes open and recognize when you are right there, showing me Yourself.

As when Jesus fed the multitudes, I am a wandering sheep, in desperate need of nourishment and the protection only a Shepherd could give. Even one who leaves 99 to come and find me and bring me back, and then to carry me in His arms (Isaiah 40:11). I follow His example, and take what I have been given—my circumstances—and offer them to God. Then let Him do the miracle. His way. Let go of my plans, my need to control. Everything. The miracle may be inside of me, in my heart. And the path will most assuredly be through my suffering. It’s the only way. Death – it’s the new life, and the only way to new life. (John 12:24, stump-tender shoot, Sarah’s womb, the cross)

I am called to keep on.

To keep on asking—f or a new perspective, HIS perspective of my situation. For kingdom eyes, for understanding. For provision. His way. Then acceptace for whatever He gives.

To keep on seeking—looking expectanly for the Lord to come, to answer me. To seek His perspective through the lens of the Word.

To keep on knocking—persisting in prayer—like a little child, coming before Him repeatedly, often, dependent, trusting and knowing that I will receive better than what I asked for (Eph 3:20)

To eat His words, as my daily bread, so that they become a part of my very being through deliberate companionship, prayer, and His word. To realize that I’m not off-course because of all the suffering I’m going through. I’m right where He wants me to be, like the disciples, whom Jesus led into the great storm, He's leading me.

To break the cycle of generational sin and realize I cannot change the actions and mistakes of others, but I can let it stop with me. To be a Heritage Breaker. To refuse to let it pass to my children. As I heard a wise friend (Brenda) speak of mentoring her granddaughter through the Scriptures, my eyes filled with tears. I never had this. But I can BE this.

 And yes, even that can become a stronghold—I feel like the only one –

Who can provide a spiritual heritage to for my child.

Who can get my child to eat his veggies and take a nap

Who is responsible for him becoming responsible, grateful, generous, polite, helpful, attentive, obedient, self-controlled, and wise. I feel that “need to control” inching up and swallowing me whole again.

The responsibility is crushing.

And God says (through my friend Susan) that only He can change a heart. Only He can cause a heart to obey… out of love. My role is a gardener-a seed planter. Our goal in raising children is not simply behavioral modification and outward conformity, but rather, a true inward change of the heart which produces a change in actions.

So I will go back the way I came (I Kings 19:15). To look first not at myself and see a view not only distorted but grossly incomplete, but to first look at God and seeing my life from the perspective He gives.

I will love the Lord

With all my heart-making Him my treasure. To receive Him in every area of my life

With all my soul-to ask to be filled to the measure (tippy top, as I say to Jacob) and controlled by the life-giving, heart-tugging, path-directing advocate that is God’s Spirit dwelling within me.

With all my mind-with my thoughts held captive to Christ and trusting Him with my limited understanding (Isaiah 55:9).

And With all my strength-serving Him with my hands, feet, and lips.

               

I will walk worthy of the call with sincerity and humility-with my prime goal to please Christ, not people. (I Thes 2:4). Taking my place in battle against the devil with my armor or light in place (Romans 13:11-14) that comes from living right and ready for His return. And He has promised – I will restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten. (Joel 2:25-27). Praise Jesus! And I will claim the promise as my own!

I am claiming the promise (of which my dear friend Emily reminded me-Isaiah 61) that He will bind up my broken heart and announce my freedom. That He will provide comfort, carrying me in His arms (Is 40:11). Most of all I am claiming that He will turn the horrid-ugly scene imprinted on my tired brain, the ashes (her ashes) into a crown of beauty. And joy (OH, joy is coming! (Ps 30:5) instead of mourning-weeping, screaming sadness that is me. That He will clothe me in a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. I am claiming my identity as an oak of righteousness, planted for the LORD Yahweh-on display for His splendor. I will take the charge to rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated, to renew the ruin that has been devastated for generations (Is 61:1-4). I will stand still and watch the LORD rescue me. (Exodus 14:13)

He will bless me. In His way. In His time.

If I do not conform, He will transform (Romans 12:2)!

My identity: A child of the day (I Thes 5:5)

My charge: to take up my cross (it means to suffer for Jesus, to suffer for doing right)

It’s painful. But not wasted. Nothing in my today is wasted. Because I am a child of the King. Called to go into the darkness and carry the light. * He will give me enough light for the step I’m on. Then, I will Come to Jesus and rest. In His Word. In His promises. And I will find my true self hidden in Christ, resting in Him and His unfailing love. I will ask for grace. And give it out lavishly.

When I’m lost – go back to what I know – what God has said before.:

I’m in control.

Forgive & rejoice.

Trust me.

Receive Peace.

I am claiming my ‘quick’ healing for my wounds. Isaiah 58:8

I am claiming protection from behind from the glory of the Lord himself.

I am claiming the Lord’s quick answer. Isaiah 58:9

I wll shine my light out from darkness.

Claiming continuous guidance and direction. Water when I am parched. Restoration of my weary strength. Is 58:11

My name will be changed to Rebuilder of walls and desterted ruins, restorer of homes.

To call the Lord my delight and to remind Him of His promises

when really I need only to remind myself.

Bless the Lord, O my soul

Holy Spirit you are welcome here, Come flood this place & fill the atmosphere

Your glory Lord is what our hearts long for, to be overcome by your presence Lord.

I learned that I made the mistake of believing the labels the world has assigned to me—based on my mistakes, failures, and even my good habits. Even when it’s a seemingly good label, when it’s the world’s label, it’s an expectation. This is what you did, therefore, this is who you are. It’s a burden. I. must. Live. Up. To. It.. I must fulfill my label. It’s exhausting. It’s heavy. I believed the myth that my status is my identity. When the only label I need to hear is REDEEMED. HIS. I can let go of the guilt the enemy holds over me. He has covered me in Grace. I need it to sink down deep into my soul. Into my very being.

Only God has the right to put a label on me. I have failed but I am not a failure. I have disappointed those I love but I am not a disappointment. I continue to make mistakes, but I am not a mistake. God made me with a purpose for a purpose. He has a great plan for my life. What I did is not who I am. What  someone else did is not who I am (only a fellow co-dependent slave could understand this one) Because of the resurrection, I am made new.

 My new labels will be…

Accepted

Beautiful

New

Before I met Christ, I was as good as dead. A dead person who needed to come alive.

Lord I will take the exchange, my label for your grace.

Breathe in – Lord I receive what you give.

Breathe out – Lord, I give thanks for what you give.

Easter ~ Simple Ideas to Teach Kids About The Resurrection

I will never forget the first time I heard my son recite that verse...he was 3 and had learned it at preschool. It melted my heart. Teaching our kids to love Jesus is so rewarding and worth every minute of preparation.
I LOVE EASTER...and PREPARING for EASTER. To me, it's as exciting as preparing for Christmas, especially since there's less clean up to do afterwards!

Here are some simple ideas for celebrating the Lent Season in your family. It is the season in which we anticipate the Great Rescue Plan of God coming to fruition...

1. Make a Grace Garden ... I got this idea from Ann Voskamp's A Holy Experience blog. How to Make an Easter Garden

Ann Voskamp writes:

How to Make an Easter Garden {Christian Easter Activity}

Our beginning, and our mortal fall, began in a garden.

Christ’s beginning to right that fall began in a garden.

So children and I, we make an Easter garden.

A miniature remembering of the grief of the first beginning, the resurrecting wondering of the all-things new beginning.

We gathered

a basket, some dirt,

some plants at the nursery, a beginning too,

three tramped to the woods for just the perfect moss
while one found a wee glass for the pond, a few shells too

and a visionary carved a hole in a stone grotto of his making.

They planted a garden, filled their pond with water, laid the flattest, the smallest (they were sure) stones from our lane, as a winding path to the Great Emancipation.

And come Palm Sunday, we’ll plant some seeds, resurrection hope in the dark of the earth, and line the path with smalls candles, miniature garden torches, for the Light is coming. And we’ll begin the path and each day light another wick… until Good Friday, when all went dark.

And in the evening of Good Friday, the children will shape a caterpillar out of modeling wax, swath it in small square of silk, tuck it in the moss outside the grotto with stone over the entrance….

On Saturday, we’ll remember and we’ll wait.

And come Sunday, Easter morn early, in first light dawning, we’ll roll back the tomb, see only the husk of silk left behind, a butterfly a light in the branches of tree over the Tomb and we too will ask, “Why do you seek the living among the dead?” (Lk. 24:5) He is alive!

So this is the path we walk from Lent to Easter, from dark to Light, from cocoon confinement to conquering in Christ and the Easter garden will unfold, a parable, a living visual of the metamorphosis of all the cosmos…

Us again with HIm in the garden in the cool of the evening.....by Ann Voskamp

Here is my version of the Garden:

I sculpted the tomb out of air dry clay and I added Grace Stones, little clear stones with one side smooth, to which I glued pictures of miracles and events in the life of Jesus. We add one a day until Easter, the path to the cross. The broken one at the top is the Body of Christ. The Lord gave me this idea last January. I was feeling discouraged after the holidays, and I was feeling hopeless about the state of pain my body was in, that it would never go away. When He gave this to me, it was like JOY, welling up inside, that I then poured out into this project.

And this was it on Easter morning, the day I left for Mayo Clinic. I left my husband, who could not walk from his recent gunshot injury. The pastors had prayed over me the night before. I left with tears, uncertainty, and much fear. I left in search of answers. But God promised me a new thing. See I am doing a new thing! I am making a way through the wilderness. Isaiah 43:19....and He did! It has been a year...and all this time He has been bringing me closer, deeper into fellowship with Him.

2. Act out the stories in the life of Jesus. A lot of these stories I learned on a deeper level from Bible Study Fellowship, a non-denominational group that meets on Wednesday mornings in South Huntsville. I cannot imagine my life without the LORD showing me His truth through a deep study of His word. Check It Out!

John the Baptist wore scratchy clothes & ate locusts & honey.

Lowering the paralyzed man on the mat was easy to portray with legos...

As was the Sermon on the Mount!

Lazarus...

Lazarus, Come out! was a particularly fun story to act out!!

You can print out this super cute set over at Catholic Icing when you subscribe to her emails. You wrap the paper characters around toilet paper rolls, and the tomb is an empty Kleenex box. These stayed on our table the whole season last year!

 If you have to pick one, this is one of the most fun...sprinkle "palm" branches on the floor and ride into town on a "donkey" while the crowd shouts "Hosanna!" and "Son of David!"

 Jesus clears the temple. It's never hard to get him to make this face for the camera!

 Celebrating the Passover Meal...walking stick in hand, belt around waist, eating flat bread standing up...just as Moses told the people...in case we have to leave in a hurry!

3. Make Resurrection Rolls together!

 4. Celebrate the Lord's Supper as a family!

We will wait until our son professes his faith in Jesus to let him take part in the Eucharist publicly, but at home, we talk about what it stands for. If you're a WORD GIRL like me, see koinonia (communion) & eucharisteo (thanksgiving) - It's why we do communion -- To thank HIM and to be IN communion - IN His Presence!

5. Celebrate LIFE!

 

On Easter morning, we like to really bring the DEATH comes to LIFE message home...He loves playing Jesus and breaking free from his cocoon of death!

6. Celebrate LIFE...have a shaving cream fight, just because!

7. Make homemade Resurrection Eggs. This is just the most ingenious idea, not mine of course. But the little eggs with an object lesson inside. We have a set, but we also have found other things over time that can be used to represent something from the life of Jesus, one of His miracles, or a parable. There are so many different ways to make them, a lot of information about these online. Here are some of the pieces I've collected.

1. Ninja/Guard for the tomb

2. Fur from a donkey (our pillow pet lost his tail; it came in handy for our object lesson!

3. Pieces of fabric in the shape of coats (they threw their cloaks on the ground during the Triumphal Entry)

4. A tiny broom for Jesus' cleansing of the Temple

5. Some leaves for palm branches - Triumphal Entry

6. A tiny scroll for the Teachers of the Law (rolled up cardstock)

7. Tiny piece of a washcloth & piece of soap  for the Washing of the Feet

8. Ephod - Worn by the Chief Priests, I made this out of felt and glued little crystal jewels to it for the 12 tribes

9. 3 black pom poms or beads - 3 hours of darkness that followed Jesus' death

10. The cross and white cloth - crucifixion and burial shrouds

11. Piece of crate paper - I let my son tear it to represent how the curtain tore in the Holy of Holies after Jesus gave up His Spirit

12. Angel wings - the angel in the tomb

13. Piece of straw from the manger - this is part of the Benjamin's Box story

14. Sponge - Jesus was offered bitter gall to drink while on the cross

15. Black felt covering the earth - Darkness when Jesus was crucified

16. White cloth with Jesus' face drawn in - the cloth he borrowed from a woman on his journey to the cross to wipe the sweat from his face while carrying his cross

17. Sack of silver aluminum balls - 30 coins Judas received for betraying Jesus

18. Lips (or Hershey kiss) - Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss

19. Rope - Jesus was bound

20. Sign - King of the Jews was made by Pilate and hung over his cross

21. Cloth with red dot - Praying in the Garden, his sweat turned to blood.

22. Silk Flower - Garden of Gethsemane where he asked his Disciples to keep watch but they kept falling asleep

23. Band Aid -when Jesus fell on his way to the cross

24. Eyes - For the parable of the Faithful Servant/Wise & Foolish Virgins: Keep Watch & be ready for the Day of Reckoning

25. One-piece white garment: Jewish Moms made their sons a one-piece garment when they became a young man. See Living a One-Piece Life. This is the same garment Jesus was wearing when He was crucified for which the soldiers cast lots. See Ann Voskamp's One-Piece Life. 

26. Helping Hand - When Simon of Cyrene helped Jesus carried His cross because He was too weak from the beatings

27. Passover lamb - A lamb had to be slaughtered each year at Passover to make up for the family's sins. Jesus serves as the last Passover Lamb to be slaughtered for all sins of the past, present, and future. Hallelujah!

28. Lady & perfume - The sinful woman at Bethany who anointed Jesus' feet with perfume

29. Die/Dice - When the soldiers cast lots for Jesus' clothing on the cross

30. Cup & cracker/crouton or Place setting - The Last Supper in the Upper Room

31. Stone - That blocked the opening of the Tomb where Jesus lay

32. Stick/Spear/Toothpick - Pierced Jesus' side on the cross

33. Jar of Spices- Used as a burial ritual by the Women who loved Jesus

34. Feather - Jesus said that when the Rooster crowed 3 times, Peter had denied Jesus 3 times.

35. Dove/cloud/cotton ball - Represents the Holy Spirit. Descended like dove when Jesus was Baptized. God's Spirit was represented by a cloud by day in the Old Testament.

36. Metal Hard - Represents the hard hearts of the people who crucified Jesus, but the Great Power and Love of Jesus, who died for even them and broke the curse of Death.

37. Purple bag - We use this to wrap around Jesus to represent the purple robe they mockingly put around Jesus as He carried His cross. Purple is the color of royalty.
38. Tissue - for the tears of the women at the cross
39. A mask with eyes cut out - for the thief at the cross
40. A gardening tool - When Jesus appeared to Mary after the Resurrection, she thought he was the gardener!
41. Fish - Jesus cooked fish on the beach for the disciples after the Resurrection
42. Fire (orange/red crate paper or lego fire) - Holy Spirit came at Pentecost
43. Ghost or Skeleton - when the guards saw the tomb empty, they were like "dead men"!
44. Walking Stick - Jesus appeared to Disciples on the Road to Emmaeus
45. Large Rock - Child can throw it down on concrete or hit with hammer to signify the Earthquake that took place after the death of Jesus

(You could use one object lesson every day during Lent!)

I am making these for my son's preschool for his birthday and for the kids at Project Abundant Life. We are very excited!

8. Read Benjamin's Box. It is a super cute story that tells about a boy who lived during Jesus' time and it goes hand in hand with the Resurrection Eggs. 
 
I also like Miss Patty Cake's Resurrection DVD and book. It goes nicely with the Resurrection eggs as well.

9. Give up something for Lent....to show you want to share in the suffering of Jesus. We are called to fast so that the emptiness might make room for the Spirit.

10. Remember, we are the Easter People, as Ann Voskamp says. We are the believers who are called to tell the world about His glorious grace! We can start in our own home. 
What a privilege and an  honor.

Link to an Easter Tree and Lent Devotional by Ann Voskamp -Free Printable

OH Amanda has a ton of great ideas on teaching kids, from Super Heros to Fruit of the Spirit (some of my favorites) but HERE is a link to an idea for an Easter object lesson. We tried it last year. :)

2014 ~ The Year of YES and LESS

I name my years, like this blogger. This year, I chose the Year of YES and LESS. 

Yes because as a Mom, I feel I am always the No. Too messy, too late, too much sugar, too much gluten, too dirty, too wet, too complicated, too much planning. NO. But wouldn't it be nice to surprise my child sometimes with a YES? And wouldn't it feel good too? And to put off the busy-ness and just BE in the moment. What if I was present in the play, the learning, the reading, the teaching...the everyday intentional moments. Then maybe I would never miss the grace, the blessings. 
                                                                                                       I don't want to miss even one.


And Less, because my stuff is getting in the way of my WALK. More than that. My stuff is strangling me. Entrapping me. I know it. And yet, I keep obtaining MORE. Keep wanting more. The product of a hoarder, I grew up keeping. Never purging. You could say I don't know how. My brain works in compartments, catergories. I like to organize things, to put things in their place. But I did learn something. You CAN'T organize when your stuff EXCEEDS your organization space. Organization is only as effective as the capacity of the container. But I can't get the sickness to go away. The need for More. To live simply - is it realistic in this fast food, tweeting world? I think it is. It will take some major renovation.

This Christmas is about the GIFT we've already received

Christmas 2013

After reading “Seven” by Jenn Hatmaker and studying Jesus’s constant giving and serving in Matthew (BSF), plus contemplating “no presents for Christmas” – the Ann Voskamp way for a whole year, I’ve had some time to put a different perspective on Christmas. After all, it is the Year of the New Thing (Isaiah 43:19).

We pulled out the Jesse Tree, but we didn’t do an ornament every day. We started homeschooling though over the Christmas break, and we fought our two dragons together with the sword of the Spirit (even though it’s a small lego sword, if it’s of the Spirit it’s greater than the largest sword of man.). He was the “good guy” and I was the enemy. I would pick out a common lie (You don’t have to obey your parents) and he would come up with a Bible truth to dispute that lie. Then I would fall down dead! Typical morning. Mommy's always the bad guy. But I can use it to my advantage! Because one day (probably today) a real BAD GUY is going to whisper in his ears and tell him to disobey and that God is witholding something good from him. My goal is that he is ready.

We played with our elf this year. We’d often find him somewhere new in the morning, which Jacob loved, but sometimes Jasper just plain forgot. Give him a break.

Truth in the Tinsel – well, what  a precious idea. But I didn’t really feel like getting the crafts out. I know, that’s a surprising coming from me. And my advent calendars, I have at least 5. Can’t say that we have “read our devotion” more than a handful of times. But we have talked about The Lord our Banner, as long as Moses hands were lifted they won the battle against the Amalekites. We talked about the bitter water at Marah, and the Spirit of God leading Moses to a tree branch to throw into the water, which then became sweet again. I have to constantly be aware of my tendency to compare myself to the Pinterest  Moms of the world for decorating and hosting and birthday-party favor-making and so on. – I mean I refuse to let Christmas be to me what it became to my Mom. A stress. A dread. A nightmare.

We packed our first family shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child, for 3 little boys. And we pray that the destinations of those humble cardboard boxes are God-ordained, that they will write us back one day. We made a Prayer Book and we look at it every morning and pray for specific people. It really helps having their pictures in front of us.

We sent Christmas cards to our adopted kids around the world, in Armenia, Nicaragua, and South Africa. We sent Christmas cards to children whose parents are in prison for their faith in Jesus, through Voice of the Martyrs. We made sponge- painted cards & gave them to our mail carrier, recycle, & garbage collector, along with a jumbo Reese's cup. We bought tennis shoes for the soldiers in Afghanistan. We sold peanut brittle, white chocolate candy, and caramel popcorn to raise money for the Missions Offering --Lottie Moon. We gave gifts to our newest mentee and member of the Project Abundant Life program.

Well today we did something cool. I read about “Be the Gift” on Ann Voskamp’s birthday blog. At church I happened to run across “Light ‘Em Up” ideas and it got me thinking. I could do this. For a few dollars we could get some candy or something…tie the gift tags and voila…a way to bless someone! But where to go? Where is the loneliest place in town? For us it’s been the waiting room of the Surgical trauma ICU at Huntsville Hospital. First waiting on my aunt that cold month of October 2011…waiting for those four 20-mintute visitations every day, then setting up shop in the waiting room for hours. Only to see she had made little progress. There were tears. Hopelessness.

Then waiting for my husband in March of this year. After the gun went off. Waiting as he lay there on the table, a titanium rod would be his new shin. Waiting and scared. With one friend. How grateful I was he decided to skip church that Sunday morning. 

So I had an appointment with my rheumatologist today and I thought it a perfect time for us to distribute our goodies…Mounds bars (MOUNDS of blessings to you!) and cherry candy canes. We prayed for God to show us the right people. Who needed a lift. The first one Jacob passed out was to a man who was very weak in a wheel chair going up the elevator. We saw a Mom from Jacob’s school in the Dr.’s office who was trying to figure out what she had that was making her hurt so badly. She complemented Jacob for the blessing and for the good behavior. She got one too. We found a man downstairs in the waiting room who Jacob sneaked behind and slipped the candy over his shoulder into his lap. This frightened the man so he let out a loud YELL! Oops. Merry Christmas. This is Jacob’s way to bless others.We found a policeman getting lunch in the cafeteria. A receptionist at Daddy's work. A tech at TOC. A patient awaiting modality in therapy. We went into the Hospital chapel and placed several candies on the pews, and one on the pulpet. To bless. In secret. 

Leigh Wilhelm, director of Project Abundant Life, really made me think as she shared with me her family's tradition of only 3 gifts each, like the wise men. And then there's this other thing they do...Secret Giving. To a family in need. How awesome is secret giving! Takes the whole "self glory" problem right out of the picture!

We headed to the ICU waiting room and found several families, one whose sister was having brain surgery (same one Wanda Mullins had 2 days ago! And we have been praying!!). The lady ended up knowing my grandfather, JD and my aunt Cheryl. Another lady was about to go in for surgery to see if her cancer treatment had been working and we got to pray with and for her. Another lady accepted the candy and said she was a Jehovah’s Witness. She told me she didn’t celebrate Christmas but that she wanted me to know that she believed Jesus’s death was essential to our humanity's hope. It was a good day. Being in that room brought back some tears. That was unexpected. But we spread some joy. And it felt good.

So we just had a few presents under the tree this year. And I had family over, but I didn't get out the good China. Not even the tea goblets. We ate around the breakfast room table and had sandwiches and chips & dip. But Christmas is sharing and giving love. And there was that.