I'd like a new name please, for my blog. This is all going to be about Jesus. So I'm just a Broken-Down-Jesus-Girl. That's the name I choose. I'll wear it with honor.
I'm learning the way to my little boy's heart...is beating him up. On the bed. On the couch. In the morning. Before bed. At naptime. Wrestling. Holding. A regular Throw-Down. Well, what did I expect when 2 people whose love languages are physical touch had a child? Except it has taken me awhile to realize what "feeling loved by physical touch" means to a 4-yr old. Much to a nurturing-Mama's displeasure, it does NOT mean kisses and hugs always. Although those are just gonna happen. Our week has gone better this week for the times this strong-willed child has gone amuck when I have just let explore through the woods, raced him on the bike, and engaged WITH him in the physical. I let him make me a hot dog sandwich (with all kinds of ingredients) with pillows stacked on me on the bed. I wrestled him before school this morning. I still haven't been able to chase him since my joints protested about a year ago, but I may get there.
Thanks God, for the lady in the Kroger parking lot who saw me crying in my car yesterday with my head in my hands on the steering wheel who came over & tapped on the window and said, 'You're a good Mama. I thought you were gonna spank him when he was acting so bad, but you hugged him. You hugged him and it just blew my mind." Thank you for letting me pray with her, who remembers and longs for the day I had yesterday, in the throws of strong willed preschooler, but who is now dealing with a teenager addicted to drugs. Thank you for sending me an angel who wasn't afraid to talk to stranger at the end of herself. The way you work is mysterious, but how you love me, OH how you love me. OH how you love me so.
Thanks, God for the opportunity to go to Manna House last night and let my little guy stand on a stool to give out loafs of bread to those who are hungry. Even though I got the time wrong and they closed 30 minutes after we got there, and I felt the whole thing was a failure. There was good. My little one--who is as addicted to stuff as I am-- chose a train from home and he found a little boy who looked like he could use a new toy and he gave it away.
And Thanks God that even though I feel my past attempts at mentoring seem to have failed, and how she won't return my calls or texts makes me feel like she never really believed in me, you don't see it as a failure but a seed. I wanted her to know I was different. I wanted to be the person that actually follows through with what I said. But I can only do what I can do. And God knows my heart.
Thanks God for convicting me in the worst way about the sin in my own life, through my study of your word and through my most intimate soulmate (that hurt like a fire!) You gave me just what I wanted - to see my sin. I didn't realize it would make me so wretched sick inside. Then you gave me the push to message two old comrades who had a bone to pick with me, for some reasons left unknown. And I got to tell them I'm sorry. To do my part [as far as it depends on me] to make peace with them. It feels good to be free. I'm just a broken-down-Jesus-girl, but there's no one I'd rather be.
Life is Beautiful
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Theme of My Suffering Days - From Nothing to Newness, The Ugly Beautiful
'God Truths' Revealed to me through a Year-long Study of Genesis through
Bible Study Fellowship
Written April-ish 2013
I’d like to say I relate
to Joseph, for I feel I’ve been (and at times still am) in a pit of darkness,
“unjustly” suffering with prayers for complete healing & deliverance going
unanswered. I think, "I haven’t really done anything to deserve this."
However, I’m finding myself more closely resembling his faltering father, Jacob
–passionate, strong-willed, and always at unrest because I cling so tightly to my
plan for my life, God can’t get through to me. I keep wrestling with God
instead of submitting, accepting, hands wide open. I must. Let go. Receive the
manna—whatever it is—daily, moment by moment. Never sure what will come, like
Abraham, I must trust that I am headed for the land He will show me. And I can rejoice when
one day my unwavering faith makes Him proud and He says, Go and walk through
the land. I am giving it to you.
I’m afraid my child is
following closely behind me, in my footsteps, pointing out to me my gross
imperfections. The same things in him that cause my temper to blow are the very
things in me I loathe. I struggle. Hot tempered, don’t like pain (or anything
that doesn’t go my way, for that matter, gives up easily, easily frustrated
& defensive, craves excess, perfectionist-ic, impulsive. Immaturity. Wow,
until the words took form, I had no idea. I did not know what I was doing when
I named him Jacob. God knew.
YET I am confident that I
will see your goodness while I am here in the land of the living! Ps 27:13. I
will claim it. I will receive it. And I will REST in it. “See, I am doing a new
thing!” Isaiah 43:19.
I find it refreshing that
it’s okay to remind God of His promises, like the fearful Jacob did, afraid of
the consequences he deserved would come to fruition. God welcomes the honesty,
the intimacy. He shares his plan willingly, his secrets, with his beloved
children who obey Him. He longs for restored relationship, like a walk in the
Garden—the free exchange He had between his first created beings—what I long
for too. Over and over he birthed miracle out of nothingness (a poor baby born
in a stable to the Savior of the World, empty wombs became filled with children
of Promise – Isaac, nets became filled with fish where once they were
discouragingly empty, baskets filled with food to nourish a hillside, battles
won with overwhelming odds, giants knocked down, men saved from blazing fire
and lion’s grasp, sinners-nobodys, were forgiven—even commended for their sincere
yearning for Jesus), all the while foreshadowing his inevitable rescue plan. He
wants to bless us, just as was His intent when he came to wrestle with
Jacob in the night. He wants to bless us, but we must let go and let
Him. It’s on His terms. I must give Him the end result and then I
can breathe relief. Why is it so excrutiating to trust? With my body? My life?
It’s like a freefall…and I’m not a risk-taker.
And I need reminding. Of
God’s faithfulness. But that part’s up to me…to pick up the stones and mark as
a memorial, an altar, to remember & celebrate those times when God spoke,
appeared to me. And He will reassure me more than once, (Hallelujah!) like he did for Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Because He is patient with my forgetfulness. He is familiar with my tendencies.
Because even the righteous man, Abraham, pleaded, "How can I be
sure?" Gen 15:8
As I become frustrated in
my failed attempts at perfection, what encouragement that He can use me,
as He did those before me. His plan, His will, cannot be moved. He will
accomplish His purpose. And when I find myself far from faithful, in need of
grace, I need only RETURN, like Abraham & Jacob, to the place of His
Promise, the place I know God is present….to my stone altar of remembrance. Like Elijah (1 Kings 19:13,15) To go back the same way I came. To
repent. To rededicate. There I can Release my burden and Receive His peace.
Rejoice in the grace He has shown me. This was almost the year of
"RE" for me. It can be that too. The year of the New Thing is what I
named this year, to give focus to which to steer all my days. That was God’s
idea. His theme. (Isa 43:19)
All the stories pointing
towards the Great One who would come to take my place, my sin, to bring
atonement I did not deserve. Christ is pictured in the sacrifice of Isaac, the
innocent boy, submitting fully to the will of His father, the lamb who took our
place. Christ is in the servant of Abraham, who sought out a bride for Isaac,
who followed strict guidelines and received a full miraculous confirmation by
events aligning themselves one after another, and by his humble worship &
recognition that God alone brought him success. Christ seeks us out, His bride,
and will stop at nothing to bring us back to Himself.
Jesus is the covering of
Adam & Eve with animal skins after the first sin, because sin has always
required the shedding of blood. Jesus is in the covering of Noah’s sin by Shem
& Japheth, their intent to cover, rather than expose, the sin of their
father. He would one day cover us, cover our sin, with His robe of
righteousness, shedding blood once and for all. 2 Cor 5:21 Judah offered himself as a
substitute for his brother Benjamin, as Christ became our substitute to provide
atonement for His beloved. Christ is beautiful in Joseph’s story, his
undeserved suffering, years spent in
darkness, only to wait for God’s perfect timing to rise him up in honor, in
glory, for “the last will be first.”
And I do marvel at
how God works, even through sin (Judah) to accomplish His
purposes out of mercy & grace. Even when I am deep within the pit (Joseph),
and I cannot see God moving because all sides are blocked, even when His answers
are not echoed for chapters of my life, HE is actively working to bring about
His purpose to move His kingdom forward & to transform me to the image of
Christ. Even when He is silent. He is working towards what He always seeks.
Reconciliation.
In the words of Joseph,
may you make me fruitful in my land of suffering! You ordained my suffering. I
worship you, by giving up my own plans, ambitions, rights and trading them for
yours! I seek the NEWness you give. New Power. Bring a new thing out of
nothing! It's what You do best.
God is good. Pray for the
good stuff. When something else happens, God has something better in mind. –
Steve Lacy
Fits of Anger, Rose Glasses, & Superhero Training [for real life]
It was a promising morning, when my son woke me with a kiss on the cheek. The mood turned sour quickly when he began asking [crying] [begging] God to turn him into a snail so he could roll off the bed. (He claimed this happened awhile back). I then proceeded (with God's wisdom) to tell him that although we can ask God for anything, God is not to be treated like a genie. Our wish is not his command. It was tough to get back on track & get ready for school, but we managed. Somehow a little game of Eye Spy sprang up in the car (his initiation). Once I picked him up from school, it came [back] ...with a vengeance. The whining, complaining, ungrateful, sassy attitude. Where did this come from? I just asked you if you enjoyed your lunch box note! I knew that bringing this little angry bird home to four walls would prove difficult at the least. I needed something...and fast. So we passed home and parked at Hays Nature Preserve. Determined to redeem the day, I came up with a plan [God came up with a plan and graciously transferred it to me...hence my prayer for wisdom 4 hours earlier had come to fruition!] So I gave him an imaginary pair of "rose glasses" (kinda like rose-colored glasses) & explained the rules: When you put them on you can' complain or argue. You can only say positive things. There was resistance. If I had of been beside him I would have gotten socked in the eye. In fact, on the way to the trailhead, his pair got thrown on the ground and smashed to bits (I think this was quite enjoyable for him, albeit they were still imaginary glasses). Luckily, I always keep an extra pair in my pocket for an occassion such as this. He humored me and put them on this time. By golly, it worked! [Not that I ever doubted you God!] The adventure and beauty of the place just melted away that sour spirit of his.
We said Popcorn Prayers for whomever "popped" into our heads. We played Hide & Seek and Pooh Sticks (racing sticks in the stream). We chased butterflies, grasshopper-like creepy crawlies, caught a slug, and we even found a pile of stones which we assembled into a stone altar to thank God for creating this beautiful place and allowing us to experience it today.
4 When the whole nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the Lord said to Joshua, 2 “Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, 3 and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, from right where the priests are standing, and carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight.”
4 So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, 5 and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”This passage has kinda stuck in my mind since last year. The stones are a {hard} visual for my dull brain, REMEMBER, God is faithful. He does what He says. So now I have a thing for rocks and stones. Ask me about my Grace Stone Garden sometime. The point is, after all this, he got quiet and said he wanted to sit by himself. Then the moment came so unexpectedly. He finally told me someone had hurt his feelings on the playground at school today. I asked him how he handled it. He said "I told them I didn't care." I told him he was wise and that I was proud of him. Then I got to share how all the kids at school made fun of me because I was freakishly small until 8th grade. But that anger inside him had a root. And maybe we plucked that root today and put a seed of kindness there instead of a seed of bitterness. He's only 4. But what better time to start learning how to take care of real problems? Thank you God, I could never parent a child without you.
It's constant work diverting and distracting him fromt his awful mean anger that wells up inside of him. Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly fighting. It's full time. It's exhausting. But God is faithful to answer my prayers - wisdom for us both. When we got home, we had a snack and he dressed up like a superhero while I taught him some hand motions* to Phillippians 4:13. I felt victory. And to a fighting Mama, he was a hero.
*(I borrowed this little ditty from one of my blog heros, OhAmanda!)
Monday, October 21, 2013
Why I Need Eye Surgery
God is showing me through a deep study of His Word... echoing in so many ways that I need new eyes. Eyes that see others. But not the way I see them, God.
See others. How. You. See. Them.
Luke 11:23 (NLT) says Blessed are the eyes that see what you have seen.
Lord, help me to see! Like the blind man, when Jesus asked him in Luke 18,
41 “What do you want me to do for you?”
LORD, I WANT TO SEE!
In order to SEE like God, He has shown me I must first see my own sin. To be honest before Him about the dark corners. Luke 11:36 says If you are filled with light, with no dark corners, then your whole life will be radiant, as though a floodlight were filling you with light. To come before Him and ask, Lord what's in me that needs to go?
I need to look around.....around my community for those who are hurting, those who are not connected to Christ, those who are lonely, sick, those without a voice, those who've lost hope, those who are hungry...I need to be aware of the NEEDS of others and ask how I can meet those needs.
My prayer: Work in me, giving me the desire and the power to do what pleases you.
Phil 2:13
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