My Daily Bread ...From a Place of Darkness

I'm a note taker, a list maker, a box checker. I like to have everything I need to do written down, preferably on paper so I can physically cross it out. That gives me satisfaction. Inevitably, I put my quiet time on that list because I've been a Christian since I was 10. I know it's the thing to do. And then I could check the box. But that part of my list was often replaced with other things that were "more pressing." And sometimes that box didn't get checked. Or maybe I spent "just enough" time with God to allow me to check the box and move on. Other days, usually dark days, I would spend hours in the word, eating more than my fill.  As I think about my own poor habits, I am reminded of God's manna, His provision of bread from Heaven.

But like God's command to the Israelites, take only what you can eat. (study only what you can internalize for that day - meditate on it day and night). In a word, my life was unbalanced. And my heart motives were all wrong. And I was so bewildered why my life was like a tornado on a roller coaster. I had good days. But the very next day, my circumstances-whatever they may have been-had me thrown into a whirlwind. And I had some circumstances that threw me - my health battle, my child's rebellion and anxiety, my Mom's suicide.

Highs and lows...isn't that life? I thought so. It was my normal. But these lows were enough to rock me, to keep me down and dysfunctional in the role God gave me. I begged for stability over and over through these seasons of pain and turmoil. I needed an anchor.

Finally my anxiety became crippling. I began to have thoughts that life was hopeless. Me - who has a husband who loves me and a beautiful healthy child. And it was just too hard. I felt I no longer wanted the responsibility of raising a child because I kept failing to do it right, do it perfectly. I couldn't bring myself to face that thought. And after all, my Mom was a righteous woman. She loved Jesus. And she lost the battle. So what does that mean for me?

It turns out my desperation led me down a different path --straight to the cross. And that is where I met my Anchor. Only when my very life depended on it,  I could run to Jesus with my first breath of the morning, begging Him to show me His perspective on this world filled with more ugliness than I can bear. I put on my armor like I was really in a battle because I was. And this was the change. It wasn't just a box I checked. It was going to God to receive my daily Bread from Heaven. Each day, just enough to fill my weary soul.